...aB-tAsTiC...

This is a super weird post for me. Usually I have an experience that leads me to write. Its all based on feelings. I sit and the words come to me as if it is a conversation playing out in my head. I'm not one for boring "informational" posts, but I've been a bit obsessed with abs today because my own are extremely sore so I thought today would be a great day to write about abs and how I got mine. If I had to pick ONE question that I get asked as a trainer more than any other question, it would hands down be "How do I get great abs?"Now...having said THAT...I will say THIS:

As you can see from my pics from varying times, I am no ab expert and I too definitely have room for improvement (cough...ummm...errrr...diet...cough). Still, I can share what I have found beneficial when it comes to abs and encourage you to comment with any other tips you have as well.I think so many of us focus all our time and energy on what happens in the gym. All we can think of is doing thousands of crunches or situps, but what we forget is that what happens outside the gym is just as or maybe even MORE important. Let me just say that first and foremost, if you want a "six pack", you will NOT get it without paying attention to your diet!!! You can eat like crap and exercise a ton and not be overweight, but you will not have the definition in your abs unless you are LEAN. It doesn't matter how strong your abs are or how many situps you can do if they are hidden under a layer of fat. I wish I had a magic solution for this, but there's not one. DIET is key if you want a "six pack", which is part of the reason I only have a four pack! LOL!Range of motion is also very important. In other words...crunches DON'T work. Neither do those silly machines at gyms where you hold on and basically do machine assisted crunches. Seriously think about it. Most of the people that you see doing jillions of crunches or on those machines...don't have abs that you are jealous of. I have found that when you do things with a full range of motion, it is always more effective. So if you want to do crunches on the floor or on a ball, don't. Do a full situp. Don't crank on your neck like they taught you in elementary school or grab your legs and pull up. Use your abs and sit up. Go from shoulders completely touching the floor to chest touching you knees. There's lots of variations. You can do them with your feet "anchored" which will introduce more hips but allows you to do them faster. You can do them unanchored with your feet in the normal position or vary it and put the soles of your feet together. That's what I call "butterfly situps". You can also use an ABMAT which will give a small amount of hyperextension.

There are also other more advanced movements. The two I like are situps on the GHD (Glute Ham Developer) and KTEs (Knees To Elbows). If you click on the names of the exercises in white, it will take you to a video that describes the movements in detail. These are advanced and should not be overdone in the beginning whether you are a seasoned athlete or a beginner...especially the GHD situps! The movements are done by 1000s of Crossfitters worldwide and are safe if done correctly and you work up in reps over time. You can do damage to the muscles if these are overdone to quickly. Again, full range of motion is key.

When doing KTEs, not only are you lifting the knees, but the hips should rise as well.

The last tip...probably the one that is always the most foreign to people is the importance of MIDLINE STABILIZATION. Coach Glassman explains it much better than I can, so please watch the video. So many times, people want to focus JUST on their stomach and forget that many other movements engage those muscles and can be even more effective in building strength and getting the definition we are all seeking. It's not common to think of Olympic lifts, or Powerlifting, or Overhead Squats when we think of abs but they ALL require midline stabilization and will build a very strong core and amazing abs. When asked about abs, Coach Glassman says this,

"People ask me, 'what do I do for abs? I tell them, stabilize the mid-line like a motherf***er, that's what you do."

BEFORE............

..............AFTER

There's many other exercises that can be discussed, but these are the exercises that I personally find to be the most effective. The most important thing to remember, is that everyone is unique. There are no two of us alike. Your abs will not look exactly like mine and mine will not look exactly like someone else's. We all have to work with what we were given. That does not mean that you can use excuses like "I've had kids." There are many women that have had multiple children and still have great abs. So what if you have stretch marks...you can still have great abs. Up close, I have them. I don't like them, but it doesn't stop me from showing off my hard work and I'm positive that no one has ever walked away from me on the beach and said, "Ewww! Did you see her old faded stretch marks!?!?!?"

Age is not an excuse either. Stop by the "Strong is the new skinny" Facebook page and you will see SEVERAL women (myself included) over 40 that have abs a 20 yr old would want! There are lots of pics that were put up today. No two abs were alike. There were varying ages, colors, sizes, shapes etc. The only thing that was similar was that they were all worked hard for and are all beautiful.

Don't make excuses or say I can't! BE STRONG, make a goal, work hard, and YOU can have great abs too!!!

...tHaNkS bUddHa...

Sometimes, it's hard to know what to write. It seems that if I can't come up with something great...something thought provoking or brilliant...I should just not write anything at all. Unfortunately, if that were the case...I'd probably never get anything written. I have nothing to rant about (ie: boobs), no stories of triumph, or inspirational videos today. I seem to be drawing a blank. So why am I hell bent on writing???

I grabbed my laptop and sat down with my eggs and bacon on my bed...thinking about what I could possibly write. My back is sore from yesterday's workout and my legs are hurting. I was just about to give up hope and wait for inspiration to come another day, when I looked around my bedroom and thought about how much I love to sit right where I am...on my bed...with my cat driving me crazy rubbing her head on my sore leg. I sat still for a minute to take it in. It occurred to me that even though things aren't exactly as I would like them to be in my life right now...I still want to be thankful. I don't want to be thankful just in concept either. I want to be consciously thankful.

There's a quote from Buddha that says,

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn alot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us be thankful."

So, being humbled by those words, I can write this today... I am sore, but I am satisfied. I am satisfied because I know that I am working hard to be in great physical shape...to strengthen my body and mind. I am hurting, but I am hopeful...and with that hope comes happiness...happiness because I have overcome my perceived limitations and the fear that accompanies them and hope because I never want to lose the desire for more...hope that I will continue to knock down the walls that keep me from reaching my true potential...hope that there is more for me.

I need to remember to give thanks for the simplest of blessings...a strong body...a loving family...a comfortable home...a soft bed...food in my belly...and a "ball of fur" showing me love without getting anything in return. These things seem like a given, but they are not for so many. Take a moment to think about what you are thankful for. The next time you dread going to the gym, take a moment and be happy that you are able. We can always be thankful as long as we can draw breath...because as long as we are breathing...we are alive. And as long as we are alive, we can work to improve ourselves.

Thanks Buddha.

...B( . )( . )Bs...

I'm a private person. It doesn't seem like it, because I do A LOT of talking and seem like an open book...and I AM...it's just I don't share EVERY page. I'm like an onion with many layers. It takes a lot of time and determination to get to the center. It also takes the ability to withstand the "tears" that go along with peeling an onion. I haven't found many people strong enough to get to the center.

I recently posted a picture (see below) on the "Strong is the new skinny" Facebook page that was meant to be motivational. I think most people found it to be, however...some criticized it because the fitness model clearly has implants. Others criticized the fact that in THEIR opinion, she was near perfection, yet they felt it contradicted the quote. My sister...that does NOT have implants...but IS part of the SINS community...brought the comments to my attention. She was surprised at how judgmental some of the comments were...as was I. Actually, I wasn't surprised...I was disappointed.

So here's where the whole "onion thing" comes back in to play...(drum roll)

I have implants. THERE! I SAID IT!

Although most people assume, I have never publicly admitted to that. I am blessed to come from a long line of "well endowed" women. Boobs are NOT in short supply in my family and I was no exception. I was a full C/small D when I was thin and flying out of a double D when I was heavy or breast feeding babies. Unfortunately, after I had three children, breast fed the last two, and lost 70 pounds...I was left with nothing...and when I say nothing...I'm not kidding. I didn't care that I didn't have big boobs anymore, in fact it was kind of nice to have a break from carrying those "girls" around. Unfortunately, I looked borderline disfigured so I went to see a few doctors about getting a lift and small implants.

I found a conservative doctor that I trusted and within 2 weeks, I was on the operating table. I ended up with boobs smaller than my "original pre baby/weight gain" boobs and I was satisfied with that. My recovery was difficult. I developed severe scar tissue around one implant that lifted it up high on my chest and was VERY painful. I could not even raise my arm up to shoulder height on that side. It had nothing to do with my doctor. It was MY bodies reaction to a foreign object. It was so bad that my plastic surgeon went back in and it took three hours for him to scrape the scar tissue that had built up around the implant in just a couple of months. It was a painful, scary recovery that we were not sure was going to work. The fear was that my body would make even more scar tissue following the second surgery and I would then have to have the implant removed for six months until my body could heal and we could try again. You can imagine how devastating and disfiguring that would have been.

That was one of the lowest points for me. I felt alone...wondering if I had made the right decision...feeling cheated that other women have surgery and recover with no problems. It was especially hard because NO ONE knew. I kept it a secret. Only my immediate family and a few of my closest friends that I completely trusted. I felt that I couldn't even tell my in-laws, because I knew I would be talked about incessantly and judged.

Some people may wonder why I kept it a secret. Is it because I wanted people to think I look like this "naturally"? Is it because I was ashamed of my decision? The answer to both of these questions, is "NO!". I was afraid of ridicule and judgement. I didn't want people to focus on JUST my boobs. That's why I went SO conservative with the size. I didn't want to hear the catty comments like "She only looks like that because she had surgery!" or "She's so shallow and only cares about how she looks!" or have people pay attention to or focus on what I was wearing or how my boobs looked. In my mind, it was reconstructive surgery.

So you can see why these comments made on Facebook (all direct quotes taken from the list of 42 comments) would get me fired up!

"How about posting pictures of real women with real boobs?!"

"It ruins the genuineness of being naturally fit when one has implants. I like working out and being muscular but I want to keep my curves. I have seen women who are very fit but you still need some fat or it will make you appear older than you are especially on the face."

"Not hating on...just my opinion. It's irritating to see blogs about acceptance about not being "perfect" and 99%+ of the time there is a picture to illustrate what "perfect" supposively looks like. It sends out mixed messages. I feel the same way about fake hair and fake nails."

""Do what you can with what you have." But she didn't, with her boobs. :P"

"I agree on the mixed message. Yes its an inspirational quote and yes that women is gorgeous, fit, and strong and it's not about the realness of her breasts that bothers me. Associating a photo of a woman who is damn near perfect in my vie...w while claiming "none of us are perfect" is really frustrating and counter productive. In a culture where women are beaten down by trying to achieve "perfection" and obsessed with body image, I would like to see this group champion what real, average, STRONG women look like. That lady is HOT and good on her, but that's not the reality of what us average gals looks like, even when we work our asses off."

"Okay- is this the message I'm supposed to get from this? "Do what you can, where you are with what you have.... But if you're not happy with what you HAVE, get a boob job." The message does not match the phrase AT ALL, it in fact contradicts it!!"

Obviously, there were many comments that were positive, but these few negative comments really bothered me and so I wanted to share my story and put my two cents worth in...because REALLY I could care less what people think of implants. That's not why these comments bothered me. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. It's not about me personally or a debate on implants in general. What it IS about...is acceptance...or lack thereof. Here was MY initial response:

"I try not to take things personally and I've sat on my response for a day because I didn't want to make people mad, but I'm ready to speak my mind and deal with the consequences. Implants DO NOT ruin the "geniuneness of being naturally fit"... NOR does this image contradict this phrase. It disappoints me that we preach acceptance of something that is different and of all shapes and sizes but rag on implants or the appearance of "perfection". Be accepting of ALL. It's easy to say "Hey let's be nice and accept people on the journey or that are not near perfection." but it's tough to accept people that look good or do things to enhance their body. If you don't like fake boobs, don't get em...but don't judge people that do. If you wanna have an opinion, fine...but don't GENERALIZE and be hateful. It's wrong and I don't want that here on our page."

So there you have it...the truth about me and how I feel about this. It was hard for me to share something that I wanted to keep private, but I felt like I needed to do it in order to explain where I'm coming from. Do I think people have judged me or will judge me because of my boobs? Yes. Do I regret my decision to get implants...even with the complications? No. It was right...for ME. I don't expect anyone to change their opinion on fake boobs because of me. I think everyone has the right to their opinions whether I like it or not. I do not however think people have the right to judge and bash on people because they don't agree with their decision and then generalize it out to everyone else. I think it's harder sometimes to accept people that look good...maybe even better than we do...than it is to accept people that don't. It takes true confidence to not see our own failures when others succeed.

It takes true strength to be able to accept EVERYONE. It doesn't matter whether or not you are buff. It doesn't matter where you choose to workout or how you choose to workout. What matters is that everyone is trying to be their best in their own way.

Forget about the b( . )( . )bs and focus on being strong!

...wHy DO i tRaiN?...

I was alone...in the parking lot of the gym...doing my favorite thing to do...sweating, flipping the big tire, swinging the sledge hammer, running...in a nutshell, I was suffering through a long, grinding workout outside filled with a lot of hard work. I noticed a roofing guy that had pulled up at the building next to us, noticing me and watching what I was doing. That's normal. People are curious. Sometimes they slow down and stare as they drive by. It's understandable. It's different from what most people do.

I have always been the kind of person that does not like people to talk to me when I'm in pain or concentrating or working out really hard by myself. I do things to discourage it, like not making eye contact and wearing headphones with loud music blaring. Ever so often, someone will be oblivious to these signals...my imaginary wall if you will...and talk to me. Such was the case today.

I was struggling with the tire and saw the two guys up on the roof at the edge wanting to engage. I ignored them. Finally one started to wave his hands and yell. "Damn! What the hell dude?!?! I guess I better see what this guy wants so I can get back to my workout!" That was the thought in my head. Outwardly, I took my headphones off, looked up with a fake smile, and had a short conversation that went a little something like this:

Roof guy: Hey! I've been watching you and you look like you're workin real hard.

Me: (courtesy laugh) Yes, I am.

Roof guy: What are you training for?

Me: Uhhh...nothing in particular. I'm just working out...trying to stay strong and fit.

Roof guy: (with a completely perplexed look) Oh...okay.

He proceeded to ask me questions about the gym and then warn me that I may want to move, because they were about to power wash the roof and didn't want to spray me with all the crap up on the roof. I told him about Crossfit and what we do at our gym and then thanked him for warning me and moved my stuff to the back lawn.

When I was done with my workout, I got into my car and headed towards home. My back was tired and sore. My sweat was getting on my leather seats making it uncomfortable. I was hungry and had a slight headache. I was tired, but felt good about what I had accomplished. As I drove, I replayed the conversation in my mind. I then asked MYSELF..."What AM I training for? Why do I do what I do? Because if the only reason I do it is to look good or fit in a small pair of jeans, there are easier ways to accomplish that." It only took the 10 min drive home for me to compile a list in my head that was much more in depth than the answer I gave the roofing guy. Some reasons are fluffy and some are serious, but they are all what motivates me.

THIS is why/what I'm training for...

I'm training because it makes me strong...physically AND mentally. It makes me tough and gives me the ability to face any struggle that comes my way. Sometimes, like today, I start a workout and think "There's no way I can finish this!" but I do and it has taught me that nothing is too hard. I may not get through it as quick as I'd like...but I WILL get through it if I don't give up. I guarantee you that if you were in a flood and needed someone to stack sandbags with...you'd want ME on your "team".

I'm training so that when people ask my age and I tell them, they continue to say "No way! You can't be 41!" It's my "fountain of youth".

I'm training to set an example for my kids. I want to teach them the importance of being strong and capable...not just with words, but through my actions as well. I want to show them that sometimes, you have to take time out for yourself so that you have something better to offer the people you love. I train to show them that it's important to love yourself and take care of your body.

I train because I'm addicted to the adrenaline and the sweat and the struggle and the accomplishment in the end. It is my drug of choice. I crave it and it always makes me feel good.

I train to prove that anyone can be strong and to show other women that they too can accomplish things they never thought they could. I'm not a former athlete. I was not blessed with natural athletic talent. I was however blessed with a spirit that can't be broken and a will to press forward. If I can do it...ANYONE can.

I train because it teaches me things about myself...both good and bad. It highlights my strengths and exposes my weaknesses. I will never be a world champion at anything, but it gives me the opportunity to improve myself daily...to become the best possible version of myself.

It's sad to me that some people haven't learned the lessons that I have by experiencing the things that I have experienced in the gym. I wish that everyone knew the feeling of power that I feel when I squat or lift or press more weight than I thought I could or than I did the week before. I wish that everyone could feel the joy and accomplishment and pride that I feel when I finish a particularly hard workout. I wish that everyone knew just how much potential we each have within us all.

I would encourage anyone that reads this to sit and think about WHAT you are training for. Share it with people around you. You never know, you may lead someone else to make discoveries about themselves they never would have. Today was not the first time I've been asked "What are you training for?", but today was the first day that I really stopped to think about it. I wish I had given better answers today, but that's okay, because next time I'm asked that question...I'll be ready.

...tHe RaCe...

"Life ain't a track meet. It's a marathon." That's a line from one of my favorite rap songs to run to. I agree with that to some extent, but sometimes I think life is more easily compared to a war with lots of battles leading up to the end. To win the war, we have to go through smaller battles...some we win and some we lose. To get to the end of a marathon or even a race for that matter, we have to make it through one mile at a time or one lap around the track at a time. It's easy to confuse small victories or losses as being the end, but I know that winning one battle does not win a war and running one mile faster than anyone else does not win a marathon. On the flip side, losing one battle or tripping and falling during a race does not mean it's over either.

I could write a long flowery post with great comparisons and metaphors, but today...I think less is more. I will let this video speak for itself and close with just this...

When you fall...get up. When you want to give up...don't. It is up to YOU to decide how your race will end. Will you lie there on the track and give up? Or will you get up and keep running?

...dOn'T bE a CiRcUs eLePhAnt...

I loved taking my kids to the circus when they were very little. It was so much fun to watch their faces light up as they watched all the amazing stunts and shows and see them laugh at the clowns. We've been to a big circus and we've also been to a small traveling circus, so the acts and animals varied, but I've never been to a circus that didn't have an elephant. About a year ago, I learned how circus elephants are trained. When I heard the process by which they are trained...it made me kinda sad for the elephants...but it also helps me put some things in my life and in the lives of people that I train into perspective. I was reminded of this as I talked to a new client last night...disappointed that she isn't losing massive amounts of weight after two sessions in the gym. I could feel a sense of helplessness arising in her and as I reassured her, it made me think about the phenomenon of "learned helplessness".Obviously, elephants are very powerful animals...and much stronger than humans. They have the power to escape from the circus...it's just that they don't know it. The elephants are caught when they are very young and they are chained to strong stakes that are driven deep in the ground. They struggle and fight to free themselves but the chain is too strong. Eventually, the elephant realizes that it can't break free and it quits trying. From that day on, the elephant believes that it cannot free itself as soon as it feels any resistance at all. In fact, a circus elephant can be tied to a small flimsy stake with a thin piece if rope and it will not try to escape because it has been conditioned to believe that it is powerless. This is called "learned helplessness".Elephants are not the only creatures that can be conditioned this way. Humans can as well. If a person is told how worthless they are...over and over and over again...soon they will believe that they are. If people tell you that "you can't"...or shouldn't...enough times...eventually you won't even try. I wonder to myself, "Can those elephants ever be untrained?". I wonder if it's possible for them to realize their strength and their ability to go where they want to go. My guess would be that it isn't possible after a certain amount of time.I grew up feeling like I couldn't...like I would fail. There were things that I went through that hurt me...times when like that baby elephant...tied to a strong stake...I truly was helpless. So I became conditioned...trained if you will...and many times...even after I was grown and able to make my own choices and have power...I behaved like a circus elephant. I have the power to tear free and do whatever I want to do, but I rarely tried because I worried that I would fail. As soon as I faced resistance...I felt helpless. I worry that I have been conditioned to fail..to lose...to give up...but I will say this...as sad as that may sound and as hard as that cycle is to break...I have become so much better than I use to be...than I thought I could ever be. When I began training with my friend, he brought things out in me that surprised me...glimpses of strength...moments of feeling like a winner. It was a priceless gift...a gift that I would like to pay forward to other people that I train.

I think that just like the circus elephant...I will always have some small form of "learned helplessness" that can hold me back at times. I can't change what has happened to me, but I CAN try hard to build other people up...to in a sense free them from the heavy chains before they learn to feel helpless. I want my children, the people that I train, and anyone that reads this to know that many times, the things holding us back...making us feel helpless are actually very small or even imagined. Just as the grown elephant can easily break free from the small stake, we have the power within us to make changes. I want to teach others and MYSELF never to give up or feel helpless because we each have the strength to fight against ANY resistance that comes our way.

...tiMe tO wAkE uP...

Mark Twight fascinates me. I read his book "Kiss Or Kill: Confessions Of A Serial Climber" and enjoy reading articles off his site GYM JONES online. I came across a quote that I have by him that says, "Some of us wake up. Others roll over." This quote came to mind this morning as I thought about my life. I was thinking about what my life IS...as opposed to what it COULD have been. I think we all fall into the trap of the old "grass is greener on the other side" thoughts from time to time. It's easy to fantasize about being happy..or another life...but sometimes, it takes work to be happy with what you have right in front of you.I like Mark Twight's philosophies and collect his quotes, because they do not just apply to sports or physical training. They are philosophies that I can also apply to the way I live my life everyday...the way I see the world...my attitude in general. I wonder how many days or even years that I've wasted "rolling over"...sleep walking through my life...dreaming it away...when instead I could be "waking up"...opening my eyes and seeing the possibilities that lie in front of me each day...doing the best I can with what I have...living a life I can be proud of; one I can love.I may not climb mountains like Mark Twight, and I've never written a book. I'm not an expert and I certainly have no followers or "disciples" as he calls them...but I CAN be great. I can "wake up" and be the greatest version of me. I can "wake up" and choose to truly see the possibilities of a new day. I can be aware. I can be grateful. I can be strong.

...pOwERfuL bEyOnD mEaSuRe...

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
 but that we are powerful beyond measure.
 It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
 We ask ourselves, '
Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?' 
Actually, who are you not to be? 
You are a child of God.
 Your playing small does not serve the world.
 There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
 so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
 We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. 
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
 And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people
 permission to do the same. 
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Wiliamson

I sat on my bed with a sandwich one Saturday afternoon. I turned on the TV and surfed for something to watch while I ate. I couldn't find anything so I settled in and left the channel on a movie that I really had no interest in..."Akeelah And The Bee". As I watched...surprised that it was better than I expected...I heard a part of this quote. I put down my sandwich and immediately searched online for the quote in it's entirety. It was like a switch flipped in my head. I pride myself on the fact that I tend to see the world a bit differently than most other people...but this was something truly different...life changing...thought provoking.

"Am I really inadequate or do I pretend to be? Do I pretend because I am afraid? Am I afraid of my own greatness? "

I'm not sure that I know the answers to these questions. I do know that I have lived my life worrying about what others think...worrying that I won't measure up. What I didn't realize until I heard those words, was that I have not only lived in fear of not measuring up...but I have lived in fear of achieving too much. I'm afraid I won't be good enough and people won't like me...and I'm afraid I'll be too good and people will hate me for it. I'm not sure how to change the way I feel...how to harness the power that I have within...but I guess recognizing that it is there...is the first step towards truly becoming "powerful beyond measure".

Be proud of who you are. Don't be afraid or downplay your abilities. Find your power and be strong.

...iT's tiMe tO dRoP tHe aNcHoR...

I'm not a person with alot of collections in my house. I don't collect figurines or snow globes or anything like that...it's never been "my thing". The only thing I really collect is quotes. Whether they are poems...or movie lines...or quotes from famous people...whenever I come across a quote that is inspirational to me...I write it down and add it to my "list". I've even been known to pull out my cell phone in a movie to type in a quote or a line that I like...one that is worthy of my collection. Yeah, it's weird, but it's what I do.

In the movie "The Guardian", there was a line that really had an impact on me the first time I heard it. Kevin Costner's character, Ben Randall, is teaching the young men that are in the Coast Guard about how to be good "rescue swimmers" and this is one of the things he tells them: "There will come a time when you might have to decide who lives and dies out there. It's a terrible responsibility but it's one you will have to make as a rescue swimmer. The bigger reality is, its also something you are going to have to live with as a human being. There will come a time when you will have to say no. The most important person to keep alive is yourself."

I've been thinking about letting go...letting go of the things in my life that are drowning me...the things that will kill me in a sense if I continue to hold on to them. "The most important person to keep alive is yourself." I heard that line in my mind as I thought about some of the people and things that are like an anchor around me. Sometimes it's easy to let go...and sometimes it takes the feeling of struggling to tread water before I realize that I have a decision to make.I don't let go or give up easily...especially when it comes to the people that I care about...but there's only so long that a person...even a strong person...can tread water before they drown. I can't control other people. I've learned that the hard way. The only thing I can control is myself. I have to make my own decisions. I have to know when to walk away from people and things that keep me from reaching my goals and weaken me. I have to know when it's time to save MYSELF...because the fact is that these so called anchors in my life that are dragging me down are not chained to me...I am holding onto them...I have to let go...I have to drop the anchor or I will drown. It's hard to break bad habits. It's hard to give things up that give you temporary comfort. It's hard to walk away before you're ready and it hurts to mourn someone that is still alive. But sometimes, we have to choose ourselves over others in order to be strong ourselves and truly live.

...sEcOnDs...

Loud, angry music is blaring. Between songs there is a melody of grunts and groans...heavy breathing...and intermittent cursing. I'm holding a stopwatch...counting down...saying "Hold on! You can do it! Only 30 more seconds! You can do ANYTHING for 30 seconds!!!" I get a few desperate and angry looks and then all of the sudden...it's over. The seconds have passed and the stopwatch is stopped. The hard work and pain are over. The struggle and the yells are replaced with sighs of relief and smiles. This is a common occurrence in the gym I work at. I see it almost everyday. Almost everything we do is about time...about seeing who can go further faster...or who can reach the destination first. Every minute...every second counts.
Sometimes it's painful. I know this because I'm not always on that side of the stopwatch. Many times, I am the one suffering...struggling to finish right alongside everyone else. Somedays are more difficult than others. Some days the physical pain is enticing...addictive...almost pleasurable. I enjoy the fight and I feel as though I have "won". Other days it feels like torture...my mind becomes consumed with the fear of not being first...feelings of frustration distract me. The pain can overwhelm me if I allow it to...but no matter what...I don't stop. Giving up is not an option for me in the gym. I tell myself what I tell everyone else..."I can do this. It's only 30 more seconds. Hold on."There are 86,400 seconds in a day...and everyday...those seconds are filled with many different emotions. Some are filled with laughter. Some are filled with peace. Some are filled with anger...some with disappointment and regret. Some are filled with anticipation and others with happiness. And some...are filled with pain...the worst kind of pain there is...the pain of the heart. This pain is both physical and emotional. It clouds my mind and makes me forget that I am strong. It leaves me gasping for air...breathless...with a lump in my throat. It makes me want to clutch my chest because the stabbing pain in my heart feels so real...so tangible.I have suffered physical pain in the gym that I never thought I could withstand and I have learned to deal with it...to live in it so to speak...to use it to push myself further...but when it comes to emotional pain...sometimes I am weak. And when I have days...where the seconds of pain seem to outnumber the seconds of peace and happiness...I don't want to "live in it". I don't want to push myself to be better...stronger. I want to quit...stop the watch...stick my middle finger in the air and run away. The hard part is that I can't run away from myself...or my thoughts...or memories.So as bad as I want to...I will never give up...I will never stop. I will do what I tell the brave people that I work with everyday to do. I will hold on...30 seconds at a time...again and again...until finally the pain subsides...and I find myself breathing a sigh of relief...smiling...and enjoying seconds filled with something more pleasant than pain.







*The pics above are from the "aftermath" of "Fran" one day at the gym.
"Fran":
21-15-9 for time
Thrusters (95M/65W)
Pull Ups

...i hEaRt CrOssFiT...

Yesterday, I wore this tank. It's one of my favorites. I wasn't feeling well but I was scheduled to work. When I am scheduled to cover classes at our Crossfit gym, I HAVE to be there because it means my friend Jared that owns the gym is on duty at the fire station. There's no one else...and that's okay...because I love my job and the people I work with.

After I made it through the day and got home from the last class, I went in my closet to change and take off my workout clothes and put on some jeans so we could go eat some dinner. As I slipped off this tank and threw it in my laundry hamper, I thought about just how true that little phrase is to me and why.People wear "I heart" shirts all the time. One of the most well known would have to be "I heart NY". Some people may wear those shirts and really mean it, but for most, it's just a fashion statement or a cute saying. I would venture to say that most everybody that wears an "I heart CF" shirt...means it. I know I do, and I'll tell you why.For me, it's not just about the organization itself. It's so much more that I love. I love that I can train like an athlete and that I can coach and train everyday people like athletes. I love that the workouts have pushed me past my self imposed limitations...time and time and time again. I love that it never gets easier. It does not matter how long I have done Crossfit or how good of shape I'm in...if I give everything I have...it is always hard and there's always room for improvement. I love having people sweating and suffering alongside me during workouts, and laid out on the floor next to me when we are done. I love how strong and fit I feel...at FORTY ONE! I love that I have had the opportunity to learn from and train with great coaches at certification classes including Dave Castro, Dutch Lowy, Adrian Bozman, Brian MacKenzie, Mark Rippetoe, Shane Hamman, Mike Burgener, and many others. I love the friends I have made at certifications and on Facebook and through the Crossfit community in my area, but the thing I love the most is my Crossfit family.I get to associate and train and work with a small group of people that are more than clients or even friends to me. They are like family. I know that in a pinch, I could rely on any one of the people at my gym. They push me and encourage me and I do the same for them. I hear them cheer each other on during workouts and have even seen people that are sweaty and exhausted...finished with their own workout...go out and do lunges or run beside another person that may be struggling to finish. They tease me all the time and we joke around, but at the end of the day I KNOW they have my back. THESE are the reasons that I truly "heart" Crossfit.

I think this is an amazing video by Crossfit by Overload! To learn more about Crossfit, visit the mainsite by clicking HERE!

...BiRd'S eYe ViEw...

"It is easier to go down a hill than up, but the view is much better at the top." ~ Arnold Bennett

They say "it's lonely at the top". At times I think that's true. I certainly do not consider myself to be THE BEST at anything or feel as though I'm better than anyone else, but at times I feel alone; separated. I don't feel as though I separate myself though. I feel like people push me away or put me up on a pedestal or place me in a different category.

I first noticed it when I lost weight and was in the PTA. A lot of the women avoided me...and I had to hear from my neighbor how they were all talking about me. I saw the looks on their faces when I would say I couldn't work the Book Fair at 9AM because that's when I worked out with my trainer. I felt different...like an alien...and lots of times I was lonely. Sometimes people wanna question and judge me. I've been told in the past that I have a problem...that I workout too hard...too much...that it is wrong for me to take that time out to focus solely on me.When I complained about this to my friend David several months ago, he said, "Well, Marsha...it's lonely at the top." For a split second, I wondered if I have made a mistake. Maybe I shouldn't treat my workouts like a job. Maybe I shouldn't try to constantly be better. Maybe it would be easier to be a little more like everyone else. As I said, that lasted a SPLIT SECOND!

I don't regret a thing. Actually, I take it back. I do regret one thing. I regret not doing it sooner. I know I'm not alone in this. I know there are many women that do Crossfit that feel the same way at times. People that are unhappy with themselves tend to look at the accomplishments of others as their own loss rather than someone else's gain. It probably doesn't help that I take away the excuses. People can't say "But, I'm over 40." because I am too. People can't say, "I'm busy." or "I eat out a lot." because I'm busy and I eat out almost every day. People can't say "I have had kids." or "I have bad genes." because I have 3 kids and come from a long line of people that struggle with their weight.

What I wanna say here is twofold. First, if you wanna change...CHANGE. If I can do it, ANYONE can do it. Don't look for excuses or feel like you are not good enough. Get up and start doing things different. If you want to be in shape, BEHAVE like a person that is in shape and soon you will become that. Second, if you have made changes and feel isolated or like people don't understand, don't let it slow you down or make you feel bad. You keep doing what you are doing to be fit and healthy. Don't become bitter and angry. Educate people. Make them like you. Sometimes for me, it has just been an issue of sticking around and giving people the chance to know me beyond what's on the outside.It may be lonely at the top and the climb may be difficult, but there is no where else I'd rather be than sitting on top of the mountain with a bird's eye view of the world at my feet!

..."eAt LiKe a cAvEmAn"...

Here's a great little spot on the Paleo diet. I don't personally follow it, but I have MANY friends and know people at my gym that do and have had great results...both in performance and with weight loss. I was excited to see a story that included Robb Wolf and featured Crossfit gyms, but on a selfish note...I was mostly excited to see a woman wearing a pink "Strong is the new skinny" tank!!! (4:43) Give it a watch and if you are interested in this diet or getting the tank, I will put links below where you can find more info!

Practical Paleolithic (great resource from my friend Adam Farrah)

Robb Wolf (author of "The Paleo Solution")

"Strong is the new skinny" (get the tank here)