...bEtRaYaL...

Everyone has felt the sting of betrayal...that miserable gnawing pain that makes you feel regret...and makes you wish you had chosen a better path or different people to be in your life. Some of us have experienced this more than others and some to worse degrees, but every adult at some point suffers betrayal...in some way. I feel like I've had more than my fair share lately and honestly, I'd really like a break. I'd like a break from thinking about and reliving the hurt. I'd like a break from the pain I feel in my body and in my heart. I'd like an end to the frustration and the feeling of powerlessness.

It is not a person that inspired me to share these feelings. It's the feeling I had today as I cried in the bathroom at the gym. It's the anger that accompanies the pain and the fear that it will never be better. It's me...my body...and my inability to make my body cooperate with my mind.

I'm not an athletically talented person. Nothing I've ever done in the gym comes easy...never has...probably never will...and that's okay. Some people are fast. Some people have great endurance. Some people are unusually strong or flexible or coordinated. I am none of those things, but I am stubborn and I work hard. I was taught to keep trying when I fail. My friend Wes taught me that...and I have missed him like crazy lately. I've missed his encouragement. I've missed his ability to help me change course when my day in the gym isn't going as planned. I miss how he would humble me when I was strong and cocky and how he would lift me up when I was broken or fragile. I miss him on days like today when I feel betrayed by my own body.

I learned years ago how powerful the mind is. I learned to make my body keep going when it was begging me to stop. I've learned to withstand pain and continue even when it seemed that reaching my goal was impossible. I am almost always able to conquer my body with my mind...but every now and then...my body wins...and I am left feeling betrayed and cheated.

I've had health problems over the past few months and as a consequence of medication and the inability to always do what I want physically, I've gained almost 10 pounds. Everyone around me says I look the same and reassures me, but I can tell the difference and it has been tearing me up inside. I try to be positive and only those people closest to me, know just how really bad I have felt and how discouraged I have been. The intense fear of going back to where I once was...the paranoia that I will wake up 200 lbs again is torturous. So, I've resorted to doing what I do best...killing myself in the gym. It's been hard, but even on the toughest days...I seem to get through. I push and I push and even if it's not as much weight or as fast as I'd like...I'm able to physically get through whatever I plan for myself.

I am many things, but one thing I'm not...is a quitter. Sometimes, I'm a "pauser". Sometimes I think about quitting...but in the end, I DON'T QUIT. Today I quit. My body refused to keep going when I told it to. With every painful repetition, I told myself I could finish...until finally my body just stopped. It quit listening and the pain became too much to bear. I found myself sitting on the floor of the bathroom, holding my belly, cramped up, and crying. I felt so disappointed. I felt cheated. I felt like I had been abandoned. I felt deceived. It felt like the betrayal of a friend that I have suffered lately. I hated it...but there is a difference. I can't make another person do right. I can't force an apology or go back in time. There's not a thing I can do to make that betrayal go away. What I can do, is wipe away my tears and pick my head up and know that even though I was not able to finish what I started today....even though my body betrayed me today...tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will march my stubborn butt right back in that gym and do it again...and tomorrow, my body won't let me down.

~Marsha