Thursday, December 16, 2010


Everyone has felt the sting of betrayal...that miserable gnawing pain that makes you feel regret...and makes you wish you had chosen a better path or different people to be in your life. Some of us have experienced this more than others and some to worse degrees, but every adult at some point suffers some way. I feel like I've had more than my fair share lately and honestly, I'd really like a break. I'd like a break from thinking about and reliving the hurt. I'd like a break from the pain I feel in my body and in my heart. I'd like an end to the frustration and the feeling of powerlessness.

It is not a person that inspired me to share these feelings. It's the feeling I had today as I cried in the bathroom at the gym. It's the anger that accompanies the pain and the fear that it will never be better. It's body...and my inability to make my body cooperate with my mind.

I'm not an athletically talented person. Nothing I've ever done in the gym comes easy...never has...probably never will...and that's okay. Some people are fast. Some people have great endurance. Some people are unusually strong or flexible or coordinated. I am none of those things, but I am stubborn and I work hard. I was taught to keep trying when I fail. My friend Wes taught me that...and I have missed him like crazy lately. I've missed his encouragement. I've missed his ability to help me change course when my day in the gym isn't going as planned. I miss how he would humble me when I was strong and cocky and how he would lift me up when I was broken or fragile. I miss him on days like today when I feel betrayed by my own body.

I learned years ago how powerful the mind is. I learned to make my body keep going when it was begging me to stop. I've learned to withstand pain and continue even when it seemed that reaching my goal was impossible. I am almost always able to conquer my body with my mind...but every now and body wins...and I am left feeling betrayed and cheated.

I've had health problems over the past few months and as a consequence of medication and the inability to always do what I want physically, I've gained almost 10 pounds. Everyone around me says I look the same and reassures me, but I can tell the difference and it has been tearing me up inside. I try to be positive and only those people closest to me, know just how really bad I have felt and how discouraged I have been. The intense fear of going back to where I once was...the paranoia that I will wake up 200 lbs again is torturous. So, I've resorted to doing what I do best...killing myself in the gym. It's been hard, but even on the toughest days...I seem to get through. I push and I push and even if it's not as much weight or as fast as I'd like...I'm able to physically get through whatever I plan for myself.

I am many things, but one thing I'm a quitter. Sometimes, I'm a "pauser". Sometimes I think about quitting...but in the end, I DON'T QUIT. Today I quit. My body refused to keep going when I told it to. With every painful repetition, I told myself I could finish...until finally my body just stopped. It quit listening and the pain became too much to bear. I found myself sitting on the floor of the bathroom, holding my belly, cramped up, and crying. I felt so disappointed. I felt cheated. I felt like I had been abandoned. I felt deceived. It felt like the betrayal of a friend that I have suffered lately. I hated it...but there is a difference. I can't make another person do right. I can't force an apology or go back in time. There's not a thing I can do to make that betrayal go away. What I can do, is wipe away my tears and pick my head up and know that even though I was not able to finish what I started today....even though my body betrayed me today...tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will march my stubborn butt right back in that gym and do it again...and tomorrow, my body won't let me down.



  1. As Scarlett O'Hara says, "There's always tomorrow." xxooxxoo

  2. Oh, MC...I am so sorry. Just know that it is only temporary and that you will be back in full force. Sometimes your body just needs a break whether you want to take one or not. I know it is frustrating! We've all been there. Just remember, you have tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Forget about today and focus on tomorrow!!! You can do it!

  3. thank you for your openness and vulnerability in this post. i know we don't actually, really, truly 'know' each other, but i'm proud of you. your commitment and determination are inspiring. if you need it, i give you permission to give yourself a break today. go home, take a long, hot bath, make yourself a cup of hot chocolate and rest. remind yourself that your body is your friend and sure does a lot for you - show her a little love. :)

  4. Yes...gotta love Scarlett! ;) When I don't wanna do something til the next day, I say I'm filing it away in my "Scarlet" file!

    Thanks Alison! I so appreciate the encouragement!

  5. Thanks Suz... it's weird because at times you get to feel like you really do know people online. Sounds awful but my 9 yr old son is home sick so after I worked and had a private breakdown, we came home and I've been so glad he's been here to be with. His sweet face and hugs make bad days a lot more tolerable! Thank you for your kind words!

  6. As hard as it is, sometimes we have to listen to our bodies. That is something that I don't always do when I should. There are also days when I am not as mentally strong. I had some really traumatic stuff going on in my life recently and during a really tough workout I had to quit because the tears just started flowing, and I wouldn't stop! A tad embarassing, but my trainer did then name the workout after me ;-). I learned that day, that there are times when a good hard workout is good for the body and soul, and other times when the body and soul needs a little extra nurturing, rest, and recovery :). If we don't listen to our bodies/souls..then in a way we are betraying ourselves.

    Thanks for your honest words. I have really come to enjoy reading what you write.


  7. Thank you Gina! I agree. I think I've been through some things and I haven't taken very good care of myself in the process. I've broken down during workouts a time or two myself. I need to take a step back a be a little kinder to myself.

  8. <<...I am stubborn and I work hard.>>

    You sure as hell *think* like an athlete!

    No one can keep going like an automaton month after month, year after year. Everyone has slumps, and down periods. Everyone pushes themselves too hard at some point, and gets injured. And everyone gets lazy sometimes, and gains weight. None of those things make you(r body) a failure. But what makes you a *success* is picking yourself up again and again, and going back. Over months, and years, that's what counts. The fact that this is happening is normal. The way that you deal with it is what makes the difference. This is where you dig in and be patient. And in the meantime, as you say - be kind to yourself xo

  9. Wanted to comment yesterday. Figured I had lots to tell you, but also figured you already knew it. However, though the posting of this on the SINS FB wall was a nice coincidence. Just in case you missed it... ;-)

    Love yourself. Take time to recover from your injuries/illness. Doctors' orders. You'll come back stronger for it. And your body will mind you again...

  10. I am...decided after my lil breakdown that I needed to take a working out til Monday! Thanks!!! :)