...nEEd LoVe???...GiVe iT tO yOuRsELf!...

So, we all know that I am open...and honest with my feelings and challenges and insecurities...maybe to a fault...but it's who I am so this lil peek into my sometimes neurotic world probably won't come as a big surprise. I have always struggled to feel like I am enough. I feel like I'm "Miss Almost"...almost smart enough...almost funny enough...almost lovable enough...almost fit enough...almost pretty enough...almost strong enough...etc etc etc.

I have always looked OUTSIDE of myself for reassurance. It's like I NEED people to laugh to think I'm funny or I NEED a compliment to know I'm pretty. Lots of people think it's a joke when I say this or when I have asked if I look "fat" or if I "look okay". They don't understand why I can't see what they see. I've been very blessed to have many people that have complimented me or reassured me throughout my life, but I shouldn't need that.

Life is full of ups and downs...highs and lows. I feel like my life is a ferris wheel...sometimes I'm excited. I'm rising to the top and feel like nothing or no one can stop me! When I'm on top, I feel alive. I feel like I've accomplished something. The people beside me hold on to me and I am happy. Then come's the descent... I feel a lil afraid...maybe worried, but I'm still holding on to bits and pieces of the way I felt at the top. I start to look to other people to distract me and hold on to me so I can feel safe. I always feel like by the time I get to the bottom, I'm alone. I desperately want someone...anyone...to help me...to reassure me and remind me how I got to the top before. It's hard not to freeze and easy to give up hope and feel like the ride is over, but anyone that has risen a ferris wheel knows that even when the ride is over...another ride is not far behind...another chance to rise.A couple of nights ago, I was feeling like I am at the bottom...like my "ride" is over...and . I wanted so badly to have someone there to tell me everything will be okay...to say "No, you're not fat!"..."Yes, you are beautiful."..."No, you're not unlovable."..."Yes, one day, you will feel as on top of the world as you once did." There was no one there...just me. It was hard, but I also know that everything in life can be a learning experience...if we let it be.

I'm learning that sometimes "the ride" is over. Sometimes, we have to get off and let other people take their turn. I am not known for my patience so I guess I have felt ready to give up, because my turn wasn't coming soon enough. I want to be entertained and happy all the time and surrounded by people, but that can't always be. So I asked myself why I hate to be alone...and I think the answer came to me today as I was lying on my bed thinking.

I hate to be alone, because I want to be reassured by everyone else, but in truth...I don't need anyone else. I SHOULD be able to get reassurance from within. I should KNOW that I am smart and beautiful and funny and fit and strong. No one else should have to tell me. Compliments are nice, but getting a compliment does not CHANGE the way I look or how well I do things. Having a friend or a special someone makes the ride more fun, but people go away or stop loving you or disappoint you. In the end, if you are not strong enough to pull yourself up and be patient and wait for things to get better...you end up miserable. If you wait on other people to MAKE you happy or to MAKE you feel good enough...you'll always be frustrated and desperate.Knowing all this doesn't mean it's easy, but nothing good ever is. That is where strength comes in. Love YOURSELF. Tell YOURSELF it will be okay. Look in the mirror and KNOW that you ARE beautiful and smart and funny and strong enough. Don't look to other people...look to YOURSELF and be strong...even when it feels like the end.