"Every fat girl has her own fat story. There are different ways fat folks get fat and lose fat and stay fat.The world is full of thin women who behind flat stomachs shelter fat girls. You can tell who those women are who give refuge to a fat girl. When they see the buffet table they square their shoulders. They ready for combat with Virginia baked ham, sweet potato souffle and those puffy dinner rolls with butter and a three-layer chocolate mousse cake.
Food is the enemy. Food is also the mother, the father, the warm hearted lover, the house built of red brick that not even the wolf can blow down." excerpt from "Fat Girl: A True Story" by Judith Moore
The excerpt above is not intended to make fun of anyone or say there is one way to be. I hope that no one takes offense to the term "fat girl", because it is JUST that...a term. This is NOT about what I think of other people. It is not to point the finger or say I'm better. Actually, it's quite the opposite. This is one of those times when I am honest and imperfect...when I chose to share my personal weaknesses in hopes of strengthening someone else.
I am feeling a little selfish. This is all about ME at this very moment...my past and present experiences...and the struggles that I personally face on a daily basis...like tonight for instance. Tonight, I am feeling some disappointment and some sadness...and all I can think about is how bad I want to get up off my bed, make some cookies and eat them. I have gone in the kitchen THREE times and turned around and come back to my room. I don't want to eat cookies because I am hungry. I want to eat cookies for comfort.
I am a fat girl...living in a fit body...one with a flat stomach...and a tight butt...and toned arms...one that fits into a size 4 and turns heads. I lost 70lbs six years ago. It took me a whole year...a year of hard work and sacrifice to do it. There was no surgery. There were no pills. Other "girls" sometimes think that I don't understand...they think that I have no concept of the challenges they face when it comes to weight and self image...but I do.
Somedays I am strong and I make good choices. Other days...I feel like the fat girl inside me takes over and I eat things I shouldn't and I feel insecure. The other day I crammed a candy bar in my mouth and then I regretted it for the rest of the day. I work out hard...I always do...and one candy bar on one day won't make me fat...but I still get mad at myself because I feel like I've lost...like I've let the old me take charge of the new me.
It's amazing to me that even after all these years, being fit is not always second nature to me. I have to make a conscious effort every day to maintain the progress that I have made over the years. I have to decide which "me" I will be. Will I be the strong, healthy me? Or will I let the fat girl in me...the old me win?
Somedays I am strong and I make good choices. Other days...I feel like the fat girl inside me takes over and I eat things I shouldn't and I feel insecure. The other day I crammed a candy bar in my mouth and then I regretted it for the rest of the day. I work out hard...I always do...and one candy bar on one day won't make me fat...but I still get mad at myself because I feel like I've lost...like I've let the old me take charge of the new me.
It's amazing to me that even after all these years, being fit is not always second nature to me. I have to make a conscious effort every day to maintain the progress that I have made over the years. I have to decide which "me" I will be. Will I be the strong, healthy me? Or will I let the fat girl in me...the old me win?
Throughout the night, I have felt like a junkie "jonesin" for a hit...just one...just enough to make anything that's bothering me go away...just enough to make me feel better. But here's the problem...just like the junkie's high eventually goes away, the comfort from the food goes away and I am left with guilt and shame and the same feelings that led me to that place. I made the decision to change my life almost 7 years ago. The tough part for those of us that struggle with weight issues is that it is not just ONE decision...it's a SERIES of decisions every day.
Tonight I made the decision that I was not going to mask my pain with the comfort of a cookie. It hasn't been easy...it's been a wrestling match between the fit girl in me and the fat girl in me. I did have to "square my shoulders" and "ready myself for combat" with a plate of cookies. I went to battle and I won. There are no freshly baked cookies here. I'm incredibly proud to say that tonight, the fat girl lost! And because I made the right choice...I am going to bed feeling a renewed sense of STRENGTH and hope.
~Marsha
You did the right thing! I too feel the same way you do (having lost over 100 pounds myself over the last 23 months). Although I'm not a woman I can still relate to how you feel when you just want to eat something to fill a void, then when you give in to it, you realize that it's not a physical void but an emotional one and that giving in has just made that void larger because of the regret and guilt you feel. You're doing great! Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how anyone would find this offensive. Everyone deals with an inner fatty some time!
ReplyDeleteThis was just what I needed to read today. I feel that struggle every day. Every. Single. Day. I lost 45 pounds four years ago and then had a baby and then worked hard to get my body back with running and eating right, so it's been a roller coaster these last few years. I've been strength training for four months now and have made some real changes in my body, but I just can't defeat that inner voice some days in order to finish off that last ten pounds, the last few body fat percentage points. I work so hard in the gym and am having a hard time not sabotaging myself outside of it, so yeah, this post came at the perfect time. Thanks for sharing it!
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much! Hang in there Sarah!
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this, I agree that everyone has an inner "fat" person, whether its 5 pounds or 105 pounds, everyone has dealt with this same issue. I become more and more ambitious to make my outside match my inside and this article just put a fire under my "fat" butt. Thank you
ReplyDeleteI did cheat tonight bad :( I TOTALLY wish i would have read this before because then I wouldn't have) Congrats on the success, I know how hard it is...every single day you think about it. Keep up the good work, you keep ME inspired to do well
ReplyDeleteWell said pretty lady! You've always been an inspiration to me..40lbs down...50 left to go!! It's reassuring to those of us that still wear the fat girl on the outside that someone like you that has "conquered" her still has issues that must be faced, sometimes on a daily basis. Keep sharing!!!
ReplyDeleteMarsha - beautiful. I've been heavy AND ridiculously thin. Now, I'm at a healthy weight, fit and maybe even most importantly, I feel I've found peace with the food & with my inner fat girl. I got really tired of battling, just as you described. I became exhausted having to always have to try so hard. What I realized is that rather than fight with my inner fat girl, I actually needed to befriend her, understand her, and forgive her. I no longer think of it as going to battle with myself since for me it felt like tension...it felt like hard work. I wanted it to feel easy, peaceful. When she comes out and tells me she wants cookies and I reminder she just wants comfort, or love, or joy or entertainment, or whatever, I go back to the lists I've created of things in my life that give me comfort, give me joy, entertainment etc. and realize that I may need a little more of those things in my life. The best thing I've ever done is instead of working to eliminate food that does serve me, was to "crowd out" that stuff and "fill up" on all the things that brought me the feelings I was really craving. Thanks for the post. It's always good to know that we're in good company. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for this, Marsha <3
ReplyDeleteFor anyone that cheated...tomorrow is a new day full of new choices!!! Remember that! :)
ReplyDeleteRayanna...I love you dearly and I'm proud of what you are doing! Your entire life is getting one helluva make over and I think it's AMAZING!!!
GREAT insight Karen...thank you.
I often feel just the same Marsha, having had exactly the same battle with my weight since my late teens. Nowadays though I am more at peace with myself. I try not to beat myself up if I binge. And believe me, I can binge! But now I try and put it behind me as soon as possible and move on, rather than letting what was just a bag of crisps or a cake turn into months of binging and feeling sorry for myself. Don't get me wrong, it isn't always easy - at the very least I give myself a good battering in the gym to work off the excess calories, and the guilt can still be overwhelming to try and deal with - but I have got much better at understanding that we all make mistakes, and it is possible to put them behind us and move on. And the sooner we do that the better. I tell myself that today's a new day, put yesterday behind me and get back on track.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, why shouldn't I treat myself now and again? What about the 80:20 rule? - if we eat sensibly and exercise the majority of the time that should be enough to stay strong, fit and healthy. We shouldn't feel guilty. My weight has stayed relatively stable for several years now. I did put 12 pounds on over the summer after two good holidays with too much lovely food and wine. But I got back on track straight away, eating sensibly and training hard, and I have lost it all in the last 6 weeks. I was determined to do so. I don't regret the summer - I had a great time - but I am never going back to being fat.
I hope you can become more comfortable that lapses are nothing to feel guilty about. We need to control them and make sure they don't escalate into something worse, but we work hard and deserve treats, and because we train hard we can soon reverse any damage. I could go on about this forever.
Thanks for sharing your experiences
Louisa x
Im so glad that I read this post. I have in the last 18 months lost almost 60lb. I have never excersised or been to a gym but joined when I started my journey and now love it. I have no problems with the excersize but still struggle with my food demons and think that I always will. Its an insight reading this, that everyone seems to have the same struggles. I never realises that my over eating was emotional.... and not as I thought, hunger. Now that it is defined I can see ways around it. I eat if Im bored or stressed or sad. Its the 'treat' mentality. Just got to constantly remind myself what the 'hunger' is most of the time. Thanks for this blog.
ReplyDeleteP.S if the Sarah commenting above is 'my Sarah' then you look fab and I love you always however you look .xxxxxxx
Such a great post. I could have written it myself. After losing 85 pounds over the past year and a half I have found the fat girl wanting to come out again. I am not as resolved as I was in the beginning. There are 50 more pounds to lose and it just seems like a long road. Posts like this help! Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing! I, too, have been on a weight loss journey. Reader's Digest version: lost 110lbs, 2 attempts, started 6 years ago. Have been "fluffy" free for 2 years now. It is a daily battle, as food is my worst enemy and my greatest love. Unlike other vices and addictions, food is the only one that is essential to our survival. So we cannot give it up.
ReplyDeletePeople that have met me in the past 2 years have no idea of my struggle and often scoff when I lament about food issues. I confess that there are times I finish a WOD and immediately wonder how many calories I burned and what can I reward myself with. It will be a lifelong battle for me. The small skirmishes are the hardest, but when I look at the big picture, the on-going war, I am winning.
If it weren't for my gym, I truly believe that I would have given in to my food cravings. CrossFit has changed my life in so many ways. It is my way of life now. It is my shield when I am fighting the food cravings. It is my weapon when I am at a pot-luck or party.
Thank you Marsha! Your post is inspiring!
Ryann~girl, it is so worth the fight. Keep it up!!
Thank you for posting this. I am not what most people would consider a "fat" girl. My body weight has always fallen within what somebody somewhere determined was "normal" Nobody believed that I had to fight a war against myself and food. They saw a skinny girl, what problems could she have with what she ate. But everyday I struggle with food and the battle to be skinny. I stumbled onto this blog a few days ago, and finally realized that skinny was not what I wanted to be. Strong is! I am so grateful you had the courage to post this today, you may never know how many people you've inspired to keep up the fight1
ReplyDeleteThis is an awesome post. I have always been a small person in love with baked goods! When people ask how I eat so well, I have to tell them that there is a fat girl inside of me dying to get out and it's hard for me to control her! I worked out yesterday, on my day off, only so that I could justify baking cookies when I got home. Luckily, my post workout euphoria chased the urge away. Congratulations! Keep posting! You are definitely not alone.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't offensive at all. Women struggle constantly with this kind of thing. Personally, I am what I like to call a "short round." I am short and stocky. This shape is not going to change, no matter what I do. I can, however, control how fit I am, so I work hard at eating right and getting as strong as I can (which is why I LOVE the whole strong is the new skinny idea). It works most the time, but sometimes, the chocolate wins and I feel bad. Keep your head up, don't feel bad, and keep on keepin' on! And when you feel super guilty, I feel "Nancy" is a good way to feel better:-)
ReplyDeleteWOW! This post is inspiring and so are everyone of you who commented. I am in constant battle with food. Having been a heavy athlete all my life, I am also happy to have found Crossfit. Keep posting the truth. It is clear we are on the right path, and yes sometimes it is a war...we will win, one battle at a time!
ReplyDeletewish we had Xfit here in North Wales:-)
ReplyDeleteFat girls are awesome.
ReplyDeleteSkinny girls are not.
This was exactly what I needed to read today! I started my weight loss journey 6 weeks ago, and I often times feel like I am constantly battling the "fat girl" in me and the new me who has decided to be fit and healthy! Thank you for sharing this with us all!
ReplyDeleteCongrats! Keep working hard and listening to the new you! You can do it! :)
ReplyDeleteNice article!
ReplyDeleteWhat helps to me is not to store unnecessary food at home. It sounds overly simple, but I think during the years, this habit helped me to get rid of any kind of emotional eating (or not to develop it in the first place).
While I have never been overweight, I definitely have a hard time to get "ripped". I love eating. During proper times, without emotional stress, calmly, nicely and even healthily.... I eat A TINY BIT TOO MUCH. Every time until I diet :/