Sometimes, I'll workout with the guys in the 6 AM class. Today, I have a lot to do, so I thought it would be great to get my workout done for the day...early. The workout was short and simple. Row 300M
20 Push Press
Row 300 M
15 Push Press
Row 300 M
10 Push Press
Row 300 M
5 Push Press
I felt tired and weak even doing the warm up...usually NOT a good sign. I struggled through with the encouragement of the boys and when I was done, I rested. I was lying on the floor...gasping for air. My legs and my shoulders were aching and I was so glad to be done with the workout...for a moment. In just seconds, I went from feeling relief to feeling sorrow and disappointment.
I got up from the floor and made my way through the dark back room to the bathroom. The minute I locked the door, the tears began to fall and I buried my face in my arms so that if anyone came back to the bathroom, they wouldn't hear me crying. That only lasted for a couple of minutes, because I knew if I was gone long...someone would come looking for me and I didn't want anyone to see me like that. I splashed some cold water on my face and dried it off, put on a smile, and went back out to the gym to finish class.
I'm not the strongest girl around, but I can generally hold my own. I have done WAY worse workouts then this one and twenty 75 lb Push Presses in a row should NOT have been that hard!!! From the moment I cleaned the bar off the ground...it felt SO HEAVY! And from that moment on, I let the shock of that initial feeling take over. I struggled to get through every rep of that workout and when I say struggle...I'm not exaggerating! I'm talking flat out grunting and groaning and fighting for every rep. I wanted to quit, but I knew I couldn't. How could I drop the bar and give up when I spend my days telling people NOT to do that. What kind of an example would I be to the people in the gym that I push to do more?
For the few minutes that the tears were falling in the bathroom, thoughts and questions raced through my mind. "What has become of me?" "Why do I feel so weak?" "Maybe I have no place telling other people what to do." "If people saw me this morning, would they disregard EVERYTHING I've ever said?!?" I didn't really have the time to ponder these things at the time, but in the quiet hour since I dropped kids off at school...I've tried to sort these things out.
I could give a million excuses...some very valid, but I realize that nothing is going to change if I do that. I also realize that because there really are some things in my life affecting me, I have to accept myself where I'm at rather than constantly thinking and talking about they way I used to be! I think the problem that I am having is common to many of us. We only want to do things that we LIKE to do in order to change. I don't have a problem going in to the gym and working hard. That is NOT where my problem lies. I KNOW where and what the the problems are and I KNOW how to improve, but the problem is that I don't WANT to do things that are uncomfortable or hard for me. There are things I know I need to get rid of that I hang on to. I'd rather start going to the gym and spend 3 hours a day working out, than change my diet or get more sleep or go out less. There is no easy way. If there were, EVERYONE would be in shape and look great. And while desire and hard work are key ingredients...it takes sacrifice.
I always say that people do what they WANT to do. Our lives are not the way they are by accident. Whether good or bad, we got where we are through a series of choices, so I need to decide what I really want and think about what it takes to get there. Then...I need to STOP thinking and wishing and wanting...and start making some sacrifices! There will always be hard days in the gym, but there will be a lot less if I change...not in small, easy ways, but in the ways that count!
