...eX fAt GirL...

I've done it for so many years that it seems second nature.  I've called myself an ex-fat girl, and I AM in fact an ex-fat girl.  It's a label and persona I've given myself that I realized has done 2 things for me.  It has served as a badge of honor and it has acted as a really sneaky excuse of sorts and a "security blanket" at times.  The badge of honor part has always been apparent.  I went from someone with no real confidence that was scared of everything...to a woman that still gets scared but knows I can face any challenge.  I went from overweight and UNFIT; trapped in a body I hated...to a person that is fit and can be proud to walk down any beach in a bikini.

As for the other part...well it's the part that not many people see; the part that is hidden by confidence that is sometimes real and sometimes fake.  It is the sneaky part that lives in my head and takes up space that could be better used.  You see, I realized lying in bed this morning that as long as I keep thinking of myself as an ex-fat girl...it gives me an excuse to settle...because ANYTHING is better than where I was right?  WRONG.  It's been 8 YEARS since I started that journey and frankly, I don't know why I keep that girl in my head and heart.  "She" does nothing but bring me down and make me see things in the mirror that are not there!   "She" makes me afraid and "she"allows me to settle.  I don't like that.

It's like climbing a mountain.  You want to look up and focus your energy on rising rather than constantly looking back at the ground below.  There's a reason that when you are high up, they tell you not to look down.  It scares you and makes you start thinking about "what ifs" rather than taking it one foot upward at a time.  I don't think this is any different.  I'm afraid that I have lowered my expectations in some ways and been too hard on myself in others.  Sounds confusing, right?  You should live it.

It's time to tighten the harness and look UP.  It's time to let go of the past and all the hurts and disappointments that got me fat in the first place.  It's time to fight for even better and believe that I deserve it it.  I think of my ex-fat girl as a 70lb weight pulling me down slowly...making it harder for me to continue to progress and be truly happy and strong.  It's like Robert Deniro's character in one of my favorite movies, "The Mission", where as penance he is forced to carry heavy things strapped to his back as he and the Catholic priests hike up the side of a mountain and cross rivers to teach the natives Christianity.  Even after he has done his part, he will not let go until the priest cuts the rope for him.  There's no one to cut the rope but me and it's time to find a knife.

 Don't drag old things with you.  It saps your energy and drains you of you true strength.  Let go of past hurt...of the old you...and move forward with greater ease.  Allow yourself to reach new goals and stop letting those things be a silent excuse to be less than you want to be.  Look up, not down and allow yourself to be strong.