...eX fAt GirL...

I've done it for so many years that it seems second nature.  I've called myself an ex-fat girl, and I AM in fact an ex-fat girl.  It's a label and persona I've given myself that I realized has done 2 things for me.  It has served as a badge of honor and it has acted as a really sneaky excuse of sorts and a "security blanket" at times.  The badge of honor part has always been apparent.  I went from someone with no real confidence that was scared of everything...to a woman that still gets scared but knows I can face any challenge.  I went from overweight and UNFIT; trapped in a body I hated...to a person that is fit and can be proud to walk down any beach in a bikini.

As for the other part...well it's the part that not many people see; the part that is hidden by confidence that is sometimes real and sometimes fake.  It is the sneaky part that lives in my head and takes up space that could be better used.  You see, I realized lying in bed this morning that as long as I keep thinking of myself as an ex-fat girl...it gives me an excuse to settle...because ANYTHING is better than where I was right?  WRONG.  It's been 8 YEARS since I started that journey and frankly, I don't know why I keep that girl in my head and heart.  "She" does nothing but bring me down and make me see things in the mirror that are not there!   "She" makes me afraid and "she"allows me to settle.  I don't like that.

It's like climbing a mountain.  You want to look up and focus your energy on rising rather than constantly looking back at the ground below.  There's a reason that when you are high up, they tell you not to look down.  It scares you and makes you start thinking about "what ifs" rather than taking it one foot upward at a time.  I don't think this is any different.  I'm afraid that I have lowered my expectations in some ways and been too hard on myself in others.  Sounds confusing, right?  You should live it.

It's time to tighten the harness and look UP.  It's time to let go of the past and all the hurts and disappointments that got me fat in the first place.  It's time to fight for even better and believe that I deserve it it.  I think of my ex-fat girl as a 70lb weight pulling me down slowly...making it harder for me to continue to progress and be truly happy and strong.  It's like Robert Deniro's character in one of my favorite movies, "The Mission", where as penance he is forced to carry heavy things strapped to his back as he and the Catholic priests hike up the side of a mountain and cross rivers to teach the natives Christianity.  Even after he has done his part, he will not let go until the priest cuts the rope for him.  There's no one to cut the rope but me and it's time to find a knife.

 Don't drag old things with you.  It saps your energy and drains you of you true strength.  Let go of past hurt...of the old you...and move forward with greater ease.  Allow yourself to reach new goals and stop letting those things be a silent excuse to be less than you want to be.  Look up, not down and allow yourself to be strong.

...sNiCkErs aRe sCaRy...

I've had that uncomfortable, unsure feeling...a foreboding that something bad was about to happen for the entire hour I've been here at home.  I tried to be a "big girl" and just not think about it.  I tried to convince myself that there was nothing to be afraid of, but the anticipation has been building.

When I was a little girl, I was afraid a lot.  Sometimes, I would get so scared in my room at night that I couldn't stand it and I had to leave and go get one of my parents.  I knew I would get in trouble, but it didn't matter.  Sometimes, I was so afraid of whatever I thought was under my bed that I could not even get out of bed.  I would lie there frozen until I couldn't stand it anymore and then I would JUMP from my bed to the door because I was sure something or someone would grab my leg from under the bed if I was close.

I'm happy to report that those days are past.  I still get scared sometimes at night, but not like I used to as a child.  That's why it's odd that as soon as I finish typing these words.  I am going to "jump" so to speak and drive away from my house as fast as I can.  I am not afraid of the boogey man.  My fear is of something real...something I can see and touch.  The only way I know to keep myself "safe" is to run away.

I feel sort of pitiful that I sound so weak but it's not as weak as it could be.  Sometimes we have to find our strength in whatever form we can get it.  For me...today...that means that rather than standing "toe to toe"...I'm walking...or driving away.  I'm determined to be healthier.  I'm determined to eat better and exercise control...control that has been lacking for a while.  I want the Snickers bar that's in my living room so bad that my mouth is literally watering as I type the words.  It actually belongs to my daughter or I would throw it away, but since I can't...I'm gonna leave and then tell her to hide it when we get back home because I fear that small, delicious treat.  I fear the hold that foods like that have over me and I fear the regret and anger I will have towards myself if I indulge.

We sometimes box ourselves in and set ourselves up for failure because we become so set in the definitions we give things.  We talk about facing our fears and not backing down when we think of being brave and strong, but sometimes avoidance is important too.  That Snickers bar is like crack to a junkie or a drink for an alcoholic for me.  Just as I would never expect a recovering alcoholic to sit in a bar or take a recovering addict to a crack house, I am not expecting myself to sit in a room with something that I want so bad, but know I shouldn't have.

Don't set such rigid definitions that set you up for failure.  Be smart enough to find your strength wherever you can and be willing to practice divergent thinking and able to take things as they come.  Our lives and challenges and strengths and weaknesses change and we have to be willing to be flexible enough to do what it takes to be strong...no matter what...even if it means running away!

I have a "30 Day Challenge" for eating healthier going on.  You can follow that blog at www.stronglola.blogspot.com so read my daily thoughts and see what I'm eating!  :)

...fReAkiN fAnTaStiC...

Get out there and get EVERYTHING you can out of this day...your training...your life!!!  Recognize the greatness and potential that lies within you!  GET HEALTHY!  GET HAPPY!  GET STRONG!