A few years after I moved into my house, I decided that I wanted to plant more trees. I only had 2, so I added 3 more. I chose specific trees for specific spots for specific reasons. At first, each of my new trees had stakes with wires that wrapped around the trunk. I didn't like the way it looked but I knew that it was important in order for them to grow straight and be protected when storms or high winds came. Soon, it was time to remove the support system. My trees were big enough to stand alone.
Back in February, I did something I thought I would never do...something I thought I would never need to do. I started seeing a therapist. My marriage was a mess and demons from the past were haunting me. I felt like I needed someone to talk to that didn't know me and wouldn't judge me. I still remember the first day sitting in a strange room...on an old ugly couch...looking at a stranger...as I wept uncontrollably and tried to tell her all the things that have hurt me or that are bothering me...in an hour. I am a control freak. I like to have control because there were times as a child when I had all my power taken from me...times when I should've been protected but I wasn't...feelings I felt that were not feelings I should have been feeling at that age. And so I try to have as much control now as I can, even though it doesn't change the past. I like to do things how I want to do them...when I want to do them. I like to always look just right and stay composed when I can. I felt so out of control...so ugly...so damaged. This was completely out of my comfort zone, but there was something strangely comforting at the same time about just getting it all out...telling all my secrets...admitting my shame...letting myself be vulnerable.
"You have been hurt badly. You have held it in and made the choice to never use these things as an excuse to protect everyone else and keep a sense of pride. No one would ever believe the things that you have suffered because you have covered them up so well. Now, you have chosen to correct this by cutting off the things and people that cause you pain. The problem is that you are like a tree that hasn't ever been pruned. Instead of getting rid of these things as they came, you waited and let them continue to grow. You had so many limbs to cut off that you now feel very bare and very alone."
So, you probably wonder what this has to do with anyone other than me. It's a warning if you will. Don't let unhealthy "branches" grow on your "tree" because it seems too hard to get rid of them. Take the things out of your life that weigh you down or keep you from reaching your true potential. Don't have friends that don't accept your commitment to eat and live healthy. Don't surround yourself with jealous people that want to drag you down. Avoid unhealthy relationships that cause you to doubt your worth and rob you of your goals. And when you do need to cut off branches, be brave. Value yourself enough to put in the work it takes to be your best. Don't be afraid of feeling alone at times or vulnerable, because in time you will be glad you made the changes. Finally, don't be too proud to ask for help. When trees have large branches that break or need to be removed, sometimes it takes a professional because the job is too big to do on your own. Rely on the people that care about you to help you make changes.
Just as it takes pruning to help a tree grow tall and strong, it takes making uncomfortable changes in our own lives to become the person we are meant to be. After the struggle...because of the work it takes to get there...in the end...we will become stronger than we ever thought possible.
Box jumps are a funny thing. To some people, they are no big deal...to others the shortest box can be terrifying! Some people are okay until they fall or catch their shin on the edge...after that they are wary...or sometimes they then avoid THAT tall of a box altogether. Others can fall and bleed and jump right back up and keep jumping. 
My biggest concern was not whether or not he was hurt. I knew he'd be fine. I wanted to use this as a teaching experience. He was breathing deep, trying to hold back the tears, shoulders hanging down, frowning and looking at me with big brown eyes that look just like mine. I sat him down and talked about how important it is to stay focused, and I told him that he should get right back to jumping. "Don't be afraid of the box son. This happens in here all the time. The important part is that you don't become afraid of the box or feel like a failure. One day, you might fall again, and that's okay too. You get up and you jump again and again."He nodded and smiled at me with glassy eyes, full of tears that he never let fall. We cleaned up his bloody knee and he finished the first of 3 short workouts.
You have to choose which one you will be. The fall is not what makes one weak. It's what happens AFTER the fall that determines that. So if you fall, get up. Don't give up. Be strong and remember that failing does not mean you are a failure. It means you get another chance to jump!
After I recovered from the immediate physical pain, my tears went from tears of pain to tears of frustration. I thought, "Why can't I catch a break?!? I just want to go workout and do what I need to do and I feel like I'm always kicking against the pricks so to speak or bathroom doors...whatever!"
As I hung up the phone and dried my tears, I realized that I am unwilling to give up. I don't care who pushes me down, or hurts my feelings, or how many times I break my toe, or what kind of bad luck I face...I am going to keep on standing back up. I can't control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it. I CHOOSE when to give up and I'm not ready to give up! I'm going to the gym and I will workout without shoes if I can't get em on!
So, we all know that I am open...and honest with my feelings and challenges and insecurities...maybe to a fault...but it's who I am so this lil peek into my sometimes neurotic world probably won't come as a big surprise. I have always struggled to feel like I am enough. I feel like I'm "Miss Almost"...almost smart enough...almost funny enough...almost lovable enough...almost fit enough...almost pretty enough...almost strong enough...etc etc etc. 
A couple of nights ago, I was feeling like I am at the bottom...like my "ride" is over...and . I wanted so badly to have someone there to tell me everything will be okay...to say "No, you're not fat!"..."Yes, you are beautiful."..."No, you're not unlovable."..."Yes, one day, you will feel as on top of the world as you once did." There was no one there...just me. It was hard, but I also know that everything in life can be a learning experience...if we let it be.
Knowing all this doesn't mean it's easy, but nothing good ever is. That is where strength comes in. Love YOURSELF. Tell YOURSELF it will be okay. Look in the mirror and KNOW that you ARE beautiful and smart and funny and strong enough. Don't look to other people...look to YOURSELF and be strong...even when it feels like the end.
From the time my kids were old enough to crawl, I've taught them to be careful. It's for their safety; their protection. I gave them plastic utensils with rounded edges. I "kid-proofed" my house. I was there to catch them when they fell taking their first steps. I taught them not to touch a hot stove, and to be careful not to shut their fingers in the door. I taught them just like my mom taught me and her mom taught her. No matter how careful a parent is, accidents happen. Bones get broken. Eyes get poked. Knees get scraped. Hands get burned, and fingers get smashed. It's a part of life that all parents try to protect their kids from for as long as they possibly can, but in the end, all kids get hurt and feel pain.
It’s easy to say that you know how you would react in a certain situation when you are not knee deep in the middle of it. It’s easy to have courage when you are not scared. It’s easy to be strong when things are going well. Dealing with the physical and mental pain that is necessary for growth does not come naturally. Sure, some of us have a higher pain tolerance than others, but as a general rule…it is human nature to want to avoid pain. Sometimes, we are faced with challenges in life that test our faith and our ability to be strong when no one would blame us for being weak. It is in those times that the strength we need is not always easy to find. I got to see this firsthand over the past week. A couple of years ago, I took my then thirteen year old daughter, Savanna, to the pediatrician to get a routine physical for swim team. Everything was just as I expected so I wasn’t paying close attention as our doctor examined her. Towards the end of her exam, Dr. Sampson told her to take off her shirt so she could check her back. Savanna was not exactly excited about this but she did it. As the doctor made notes, she told Savanna to bend over. I wasn’t really looking at her, but I saw her bend out of the corner of my eye and heard the pediatrician say, “No Savanna. Bend ALL the way over.” Still not looking, I heard, “Savanna! I need you to put your feet together…don’t bend your knees and bend STRAIGHT down!” At this point I looked up and before I could tell Savy to do what the doctor said, the doctor looked at me and said, "Mom, we have a problem. Come over here and look at this.
I was shocked at what I saw! My daughter was crooked. She couldn't even bend straight over and there was a very OBVIOUS curve in her spine. In typical "Mommy" fashion, I felt guilty. I started firing off questions like, "Weren't you tested for scoliosis in 5th grade?!?" "How could I have missed this?!?" Even though, there's nothing I could've done...I felt guilty. Things started to make sense. Things like how she was always over to the side when she set up on the blocks to dive at swim meets...and why she couldn't dive straight out but plopped in the water and then had to swim twice as fast to catch up.
We were sent to Scottish Rite Hospital for children in Dallas to see a specialist there. They took x-rays and told us that she had a 43 degree curve. It was too late for a brace, but too early to talk about surgery since they usually wait until there are signs in the x-rays that the patient is done growing before they operate. We went back the following year. She now had a 45 degree curve, but was essentially done growing. They scheduled us to come back a year later which was this past spring. The doctor told us that she was not required to have surgery. A 50 degree or higher curve means that surgery is absolutely necessary. He also told us that she had what is called "trunk shift" which means the top of her body (waist up) and the bottom were not in alignment. It had become very obvious just by looking at her, that there was a problem and she was very sensitive about it. In the end, her doctor at Scottish Rite Hospital recommended surgery and she made the choice to do it. Savanna was tired of being crooked...tired of not being able to dive off the blocks at swim meets like everyone else...tired of having to worry about what clothes she could wear to hide it...and tired of feeling different. We supported her decision and made an appointment for surgery.
Fast forward to last week...the week of her surgery. We got up early and drove for 45 minutes to get to the hospital by 7:45 AM on Thursday. Me, Savanna, and her dad spent ALL day seeing doctors, nurses, dieticians, pharmacists. She gave blood, took multiple x-rays, and participated in a study. Her emotions were all over the place, but for the most part...she did well. She was looking forward to getting "straightened out" and although no one sugar coated what she would go through...I knew she had no concept of what she was in for. The doctor decided to do the posterior surgery. There's less chance of infection when the organs don't have to be moved like they are in the anterior option, but that means the doctor has to move the big muscles of the back which causes a lot of pain during recovery. I worried about her recovery. I wondered how she would hold up emotionally.
The surgery was successful and went exactly as planed. MOST kids are groggy...tired...and super sleepy after a 4 hour surgery when they are wheeled into the recovery area...not Savanna. She was trying to sit up and talked incessantly. She kept taking my hand and saying "Is this a dream?" I said, "No. You are all done, baby." She would say "I did it?!?!?!" I said, "Yes. You did!" It amazed everyone there...and for the next 2 days...she continued to amaze us. She was so determined to get better. She wanted to be taken off all the things that were keeping her in bed.
Sunday morning they took her off oxygen and took her epidural and catheter out. She was so excited...and then reality set in. Once she was no longer attached to the epidural, her pain had to be managed through pills...and it's not the same. She was accustomed to a constant flow of medication.
Everyone has been amazed be Savy's strength and great attitude throughout this process. It's not because she never had any low times. Savanna had times where she cried, but they were few and far between. She also had times where she felt angry and wondered if her decision to have surgery was worth it. The thing is...every time this happened, it was short lived. She was always able to dig down and find strength that I didn't know she had. She still has a long recovery ahead. It's hard to readjust your whole body alignment and it's hard to build back the physical strength after being in bed. Savanna has learned that lying in bed and sleeping is not the way to recover. When she is hurting, she gets up and walks laps in our house...not because I tell her too either. It's always HER decision.
Some people think that being strong means NEVER having a weak moment...never shedding a tear...never feeling afraid. I disagree. Being strong doesn't mean being perfect. It's not about being a robot that feels and shows no emotion. When life gets you down or pain clouds your judgement, we all have the ability to find strength and work through those emotions...IF we choose to.
I have been exhausted. It wasn't fun sleeping in a plastic fold out bed for 5 nights and being woken up every two hours. I missed working out and eating normal food, but I wouldn't have done it any other way. What I sacrificed was tiny compared to what my daughter has endured. Savanna has taught me so much over the past week. The last day we were in the hospital, we were walking laps around the floor and she was getting tired and hurting. She turned and looked at me with those big blue eyes and said, "Mom. I'm proud of myself! I think that if I can do this...I can do anything for the rest of my life!" I smiled and said, "Yes you can Savanna! I'm proud of you too!
Savanna found her strong. Have you found yours?
Many of us have seen the famous scene from "Kung Fu" where Master Kan tells the young boy, "Quickly as you can, snatch the pebble from my hand." When the boy tries and fails, Master Kan then says, "When you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave." I've often said that I believe to be a great coach, you must try to help people become better than you are. When the people I help train make improvements and become better than I am at something or thingS (plural)...I feel a sense of pride.
Later I came back to teach the 9AM class. Conversation was flowing. I was talking about my t shirts and some exciting things happening and we started discussing what some cool t shirts could be for our gym. Sayings went back and forth and then David said, "I told Jared we should have a shirt that says WWMD?" I looked at him like, "Huh???" He said, "You know...What Would Marsha Do?" I laughed and said, "Oh I bet he LOOOOOOVED that idea!" and we all laughed. As I stood in front of the bar to do some deadlifts, the lightbulb appeared again and I started to think about what David had said and what I have been doing. I realized that people really ARE watching me and I should behave accordingly. I thought about how I would want people to answer the question "WWMD?" Do I want to answer to be cry, or whine, or give up because I am being forced to do things that I'm not good at and that I don't know much about these days?
David didn't know it, but he snatched a pebble from my hand today as well. I feel like I was the student today and the people I train were my teachers. What they taught me not only helped me, but it can help you as well. When things seem tough, don't complain about the fact that you are struggling...be grateful that you are strong enough to do it. When life gets you down or people disappoint you or you are standing in front of a barbell that you are not sure you can lift...ask yourself how you want people to answer the question WWMD, but take out MY name and insert your own. Realize that people are watching and noting you do goes unnoticed. You can make a difference without even knowing it.
This man had someone in a wheel chair waiting next to him. After he set the chair aside, he took the foot rests off the wheelchair, and had the man drive himself up to the hand bike (his wheelchair was now where the original chair had once been). After that, he took the arm rests off and very gently helped his friend grab the handle. Then he took an Ace bandage and wrapped it around the man's hand and the handle to keep his hands attached. This whole process was not easy or quick. When he was done, he stepped back, got on an elliptical behind him, and his friend began to slowly work the hand bike.
I will NEVER take for granted the ability I have to walk into a gym with my own two legs without help. I will NEVER take for granted the ability to do anything I choose in the gym with no limitations. I will NEVER think of working my body as an obligation again. It is a privilege and a blessing. There's not ONE person that will read this that has a valid excuse for not working out. If you don't have money for a gym, go to the park, or get equipment and workout in your garage. If you are lucky enough to have a gym membership, get off your butt and GO. Make the time. Schedule your workouts just like you would any other appointment and do not cancel. From now on...whenever you start to make an excuse...think of this man. Take all your tired old excuses and throw them out the window..and do it today!
Wouldn't you like to be faster than a speeding bullet? Or more powerful than a locomotive? Or be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? Sounds pretty good to me, but unfortunately I can't do any of these things because I am human...just a mortal. I walk on the ground. I can get hurt, and someday I will die. I don't posses any of the super human qualities that makes a super hero special. Some might think that makes me regular...nothin special...nothing super.
Everyone that WANTS to be...can be SUPER in their own way. The trick is embracing the talents and gifts that are individual to you and not wasting your time trying to be like someone else. Batman would not have been a successful superhero had he spent his time trying to fly like Superman. Be proud of who you are and your strengths. Find what it is that you are good at and embrace it. This doesn't mean you avoid the things you are not good at, but you should perfect the talents that are specific to you while improving upon things that do not come as easy.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said, "It is a sublime thing to suffer and be stronger." I get to see people suffer and fight to finish something that they don't HAVE to finish all the time at work. No one is holding them there against their will. It isn't their job and they certainly don't get paid to do such hard work. In fact, it's quite the opposite. THEY pay money for the opportunity to struggle and suffer and become stronger than they were the day before. It's always so interesting to both watch and participate in WODs (Workout Of the Day) at Crossfit gyms. There is a sense of individual competitiveness that is intermingled with teamwork and a desire to see everyone do their best. When one person succeeds in our gym, I think we all feel like we've won. It doesn't matter whether you are first or last, there is a respect that is earned when you've worked that hard to finish.
This morning I watched as people that were already finished with a grueling workout, encouraged and coached their friends that were still working. I heard Dale counting out 10 seconds of rest for Seth and then cheering him on through the next few reps until he needed more rest. I watched Rick standing outside on the curb, drenched in sweat, exhausted himself...yelling for Lorie as she ran across the "finish line" and telling her what a good job she did. As I stood there waiting for the last person to finish, Brad came out of the gym and said to Rick, "I'm thinking about running out to meet Seth and help him finish this last run." I said, "He would do that for you." And Brad said, "I know.", turned to Rick, and said, "You wanna go?". Rick nodded and said "Yeah!" without hesitation, and off they went. Not one person drove away from that parking lot until EVERYONE was finished and they all praised and congratulated each other as they walked out the door.
It is amazing how much faster you can go...how much more you can lift...and how much longer you can last when you have people there to remind you that you can do more than you think you can. Having this kind of support is like having a "safety net" under you. It gives you the confidence to do more, because you know there are people...friends...that care about you and are there to help you. I am reminded on days like today, that it doesn't matter how little money I make or how bad I hate waking up at 4:30 AM for work sometimes. What matters, is that I get to be surrounded by people like this every day...people that I truly consider my friends.
Most people call today simply "The 4th of July" or "The 4th", but some people call today "Independence Day". Although I've heard this term many many times throughout my almost 42 yrs, I've never given it a second thought...until yesterday afternoon. The 4th of July has always been just that to me...the 4th of July...a time for barbeque/brisket, family, fireworks, and parades. Every year, this is what we did growing up. We got up early, got all decked out in red, white, and blue, drove downtown and parked, walked what seemed like a million miles to find a good "spot" in the shade, watched for the people handing out free hand held paper fans, ate lots of snacks, sweated profusely in the miserably hot TX summer temps, laughed, and enjoyed the parade. After we would go back to my parents' house for brisket, cole slaw, potatoes salad, and baked beans. Later we would go see fireworks. It was always a relaxed holiday with family.
So having said all that...you may be wondering if I am just writing a post because it's the 4th of July and it would be the thing to do...or does this have anything to do with strength? As I said earlier, it struck a chord with me when I heard the term "Independence Day" yesterday. I was here at home alone...unhappy. I have had some problem with my eyelids where they are extremely itchy and I woke up to swollen, red eyelids that I wanted to tear off my face. I was uncomfortable and I looked like a weirdo. I hurt my back in the gym a month ago and even though I'm feeling better, it has really set my training back. I've had to lift much less and take A LOT of time off in order to heal. As a result, I feel weaker and slower when I do try to workout. To top it all off, some spammer got my Facebook info on Friday and linked me to a bogus event which resulted in ME getting kicked off Facebook! I tried pleading my case and forwarding the emails that I had received from Facebook saying SOMEONE ELSE had put me on this event, but it didn't matter. I was told that the decision was final. Basically, I was feeling defeated and cut off from the world. I felt like no matter how hard I try...I can't get ahead.
I got up and looked at a frame that I have on my desk. When I made it, I made two. One for me and one for my friend Wes. It has quotes from Steve Prefontaine and pictures from the 5K we ran together in 2007 before he moved away. I looked to the right and I saw a picture of me and my son, alongside a picture of me as a baby and resting up next to the frame was a laminated piece of paper that simple read "Stay Strong." The TV was on in the background and a commercial came on for an "Independence Day Sale". I heard the word independence and suddenly it meant something more to me.
I thought back to how I used to be before I became strong and took control of my body and my life. I didn't feel free or independent back then. I distinctly remember feeling trapped. I felt like a prisoner in a body that wasn't mine. I had limited choices as to what I could wear and do. I wasn't treated equally. All that changed when I made a decision to change. With each change I made and with every 10 lbs I lost and with every bit of muscle that I made...I became more and more free until finally I was able to walk away as a whole new person...me, but better...stronger...and more independent.
I gained something more than just looking good in a bikini though. The year that I worked with my friend was when I truly started to figure out who I was and what I was capable of. He and I still laugh about how unathletic and awkward I was at times. I had to learn that it was okay to fail. I had to learn to laugh at myself and not take everything so seriously, but one thing that I think was the hardest for me to learn, was that when I was uncomfortable, or scared, or frustrated, or mad, or feeling like I couldn't do something...I couldn't run away. For one hour, I was stuck. I was there in the gym or in the parking lot or on a trail or in a warehouse and I HAD to do what I was told to do. THAT...was the life changer for me.
I was allowing myself to slip back into those old patterns of thinking and feeling like I had no control...no right to choose. I turned my frame over and looked at the 5 pictures hidden on the back...pictures of my sister's wedding in Cozumel...when I weighed 200 lbs...when I was a prisoner to this very way of thinking. I made a decision. I got up...went to the gym...and began the first day towards working my way back to where I was. I haven't been able to do back squats in over a month because I refused to go down in weight and my back couldn't handle the pressure of what I normally use. After I was done doing work sets of squats, I did work sets of presses...again, much lighter than normal...but it felt good. Even though I wished I could do more, I finally felt in control again. I decided that instead of being off Facebook and feeling disconnected and missing the "Strong is the new skinny" page, I'd start a new page with a new/old name and move forward. Yes, there are connections that I can't get back...pictures that I've lost...and it will take a lot of time to rebuild my page and friends, but at least I'm back moving forward.
On this "Independence Day", I want everyone to take a moment and be thankful for the freedom that we have and then I want you to find something in your life that is holding you back. Find it and get rid of it. It may be a person, or extra weight, or anger, or a fear, or an attitude. Whatever it is, find it and change it. Give yourself the opportunity to truly be free. Start today. Make today a day that every year holds special meaning for you. Make today your own personal "Independence Day".
