The toll it's taken on me physically and mentally has been great. Now everything feels hard. I no longer feel like an invincible Wonder Woman when I hit the gym. I no longer want to be there for 2 hours. My once loose-ish (yet tight in the right places) yoga pants are tight in all the WRONG places. The good news is that I'm starting to go in to the "recovery phase" finally. I no longer cry everyday in private. I wake up with hope, and I KNOW I will be okay.
The hard part is that it's hard to let yourself slide backwards. When I was obese, I was super motivated to get in the gym. Now, it's hard. I feel weaker and my body is not the same, but I still look good and everyone thinks I'm crazy because I'm still fit.
Yesterday I did nothing but eat crap...all day. I felt like a bottomless pit of hunger. No matter what I did I never felt full. To top it off, I was busy and never worked out. So by the end of the day when my kids went to dinner with their Dad and I was alone, I made a choice...a bad choice. I should've gone to the gym to "work off" the loneliness and frustration and then eaten a good meal to FUEL my body and help it recover. Instead I talked on the phone, went to the mall and justified it by buying one Christmas present for my daughter. Then, I ordered pizza and stuffed myself at home.
You are probably either A. Disgusted with me and wondering how I could ever pretend to motivate anyone else B. Surprised C. Thinking, "Are we the same person? I've done the same thing!" or D. Wondering if I will have the strength to come out of this funk I've fallen into. So I got up this morning with my stomach growling and making ATROCIOUS noises...a weird, gross reminder of the crap I piled in it last night before I fell asleep in my makeup on top my bed, and I thought to myself..."Is this it?!? Am I going to give up? Am I going to say, 'Oh well...I still look good and I'm fit. I don't need to get back to where I was again.' and continue to lie to myself and comfort myself with food? Or am I gonna start all over again...on a Thursday...not a Monday...not on New Years Day...today!?!?"
I talk a lot about starting over. In fact, I wonder if people ever think "There she goes again...whining and saying she's gonna hit the "reset" button!" I'm not a paid model or fitness professional. I'm a normal girl that grew up in Texas thinking if it wasn't fried, it wasn't worth eating and comforted myself with sweets when there was no adults to reassure me or comfort me with a hug. I've worked hard to overcome those habits, but at times they creep back in because I'm human. So the the fact is this...I AM starting over...AGAIN. And I will continue to start over as many times as I need to because I am stronger than any obstacle or setback or sadness or disappointment that I may face in my life! I'm not gonna use towels to wipe tears and I'm sure as hell not gonna throw in the proverbial towel! I'm gonna fight...not for you this time, but for ME. I'm gonna use the towel to wipe away my sweat and prove to MYSELF that I CAN come out the other side of what could be described as a tragedy BETTER! My hope is that anyone else injured or struggling or just feeling lazy will join me and make today the first day of your COMEBACK!
